Yet another, and another, and another, repetitive, repetitive day.
I wrote this in august.
Born to multiply, Born to gaze into night skies.
I need my life to start unfolding. Right now, I feel the cliche high school emotions, peer pressure, and insanity. I don’t know how to escape, how to find a new path. I need a guiding light.
Come to think about it I need a father figure. All of my life I’ve latched on to my friends, because I look up to them. My father hasn’t been there for me, and he and I both know it. I hate the relationships I develop with my friends. I mean don’t get me wrong I love my friends, but the way we connect is usually different then other people. Its a lot of the time a kinda one sided thing. I always put everything I have into it and get a response like “Fuck you, I hate you” or “Your the worst friend I’ve ever had.” I just want to yell at the top of my lungs, I dont fucking care anymore. If you don’t want my friendship then piss off. I’m not the one that’s going to sit around and let you be my puppeteer anymore. If you don’t accept me for who I am, or my emotions then just go away. I don’t need someone like that in my life. That’s why when I say I need a father figure in my life, I know that they will be there for me. Through think and thin and everything else.
I truly wish my father was there for me as much as my mother. I love my mother to death, but shes not someone I can talk about all the boy stuff with. I’m always surrounded by woman (not saying its that bad of a thing) but it just eventually starts to get to you. I have no one to go shoot hoops with, or go hunting/camping, talk about woman, and sit and watch football with. Its like that cold place in my heart. When I become a father I’m scared, because I could either go down two paths. The same way my dad was, or that I’m going to love my kids so uncontrollably the whole world would know it. The part that scares me is that there is even the possibility of me being like him. I do love my dad. I just don’t love how he has not been there.
Ive been very irritable lately. I feel like my life is drying concrete, still time for snarky little kids to come and disrupt it. All I want in life is just a little peace. I love alone time more than anyone I know. It brings me into a certain mood I cant get into when I’m with people. I’m sorry for my ranting, but as I sit here having nothing else to do my emotions just pour out. I know I’m not the best writer with the best editing skills, but I am good at getting to the point of my feelings. I figure this is what this place is for. So why not use it.
In my conclusion to this whole shabang, I have stopped wasting my time on people that dont care about me as I do them, I need a father figure, and that I suck at writing and I rant. I guess Ill just take life one testosterone shot at a time.
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Its so crazy how things change. Every thing is compleatly flipped. Im stunned.
